Well after weeks of waiting,
Toddlers & Tiaras finally debuted last night and although not as shocking as I thought it would, could or should be, it was still highly entertaining and fear invoking. To catch you up to speed, T&T follows a set of three children each week as they vie for pageant glory. This week we are in Texas for the
Universal Royalty Pageant which according to Annette Hill, pageant director, is
the largest event of the pageant year. That Annette amused the hell out of me. At one point she tells us that she frowns upon kids using fake tans as in her words, "you should use what God gave you," but then goes on to say that hairpieces and fake eyelashes are pretty much prerequisite enhancements that are critical to any competition. WTF is all I have to say to that crazy ideology. Seriously, fake tan bad, gluing on fake nails good. Talk about sending out mixed messages.
First up is Rebecca Alley and her mom, Stacey. You see the Universal Royalty Pageant is just not for little ones. Oh no, this granddaddy of kiddie pageantry is open to moms as well, thus, mom and daughter could be duking it out for the title. Nice twist, huh? This will be Rebecca and Stacey's first national pageant despite Rebecca already winning 31 crowns and 29 trophies. Stacey is a unique creature to say the least. When people say that she's obsessed with pageants, her reply is a very cult like, "Maybe." Turns out that before Rebecca came into the picture, Stacey was very into the dog show world. Dogs, daughters, I can see the similarities. Is there really any difference between parading your dog on a leash to acting like a lunatic in the audience while you prod your daughter along with her routine. At least dog shows are a tad more respectable. The most disturbing thing that Rebecca and her mom get up to is a pre-pageant tanning session. Stacey informs us that it's to hide any imperfections. Exactly, how many imperfections can a 6 year old possibly have that require cosmetic correction??? WTF!! In case you are wondering, Rebecca opted for a medium glow.
Next we jet over to Garland, Texas, where we meet Meaghan Jones and her mom, Phyllis. Meaghan is an old pro in the industry with over 8 years of competing, after all she is 9! Her biggest prize was a new car which, of course, can be used by mom and dad to shuttle their little darlings from pageant to pageant. Now that just gave me a thought, I wonder if any of these proud parents have their cars wrapped with their little winner's photos. Hmm... But back to the Jones. Phyllis is a self proclaimed competitor and even says, "They are in it to win it." Since both mom and daughter could potentially be competing against each other, they start comparing their head shots and start debating about who is more bow-legged which was then followed by a trip to the beauty supply store where they pick up some new hair pieces and some nail tips for Meaghan's fingers and toes. I have no idea why anyone much less a 9 year old glues fake tips on their toe nails but to each their own I suppose. Back to Meaghan, I like her. Sure she's a bit cocky always reminding her mom that she won't win big at the pageant because Meaghan herself will be the queen of the show but the girl's got spunk.
Last but certainly not least is Ava Perez, who has been in the biz for 3/4 of her life. She's 2!!!!! But wait it gets better when we meet mom and dad. Tanya is pretty quiet for the most part which can possibly be attributed to nerves but when she does speak it's usually to coach Ava to say things like "I love trophies/pageants" to which Ava usually replies, "No." At times it felt like Tanya was training a parrot but, for the most part, she seems to be the most laid back of the moms which can only mean one thing - we have a pageant dad in the house, y'all, and just not your run of the mill variety either! Oh no, David is a self-proclaimed Super Pageant Dad. Now what makes him so super? Well, he is Ava's coach, costume designer, makeup artist and most of all her biggest cheerleader. Those were his words not mine. He even admitted on national television that once they found out they were having a girl, they were already signing her up for pageants which means that Ava has been technically competing since she was in utero!!!! I don't doubt for one second that David is indeed Ava's dad because Oscar Wilde did, in fact, have children too. Let's put it this way, David has a very effeminate manner about him. After all, he does proudly boast that he can bead a dress but can't change a flat tire.
Now that we have gotten the intros out of the way, on with the show. Pageant weekend arrives and it's a flurry of neon sequins, big hair and caked on makeup. Annette tells us this is one of the largest turn outs that they have had with 100 contestants. Categories include babies, toddlers, teens and the Miss/Mrs section for the moms. The judges for this extravaganza include Kimberly Nobles who concentrates on a girl's features so they can later pimp her out for print work and Michael G. Flores who looks at the whole package and is considered a hard judge when scoring. What I need to know is exactly how many Michael Flores' are there in the pageant judging world that he needs to include the G in his name.
Day 1 is all about the talent. It's interesting to say the very least. The babies are carried in and I guess their talent consists of staying awake and possibly dazzling the judges with a smile or a little cooing action but I'm not 100% sure. One toddler's talent is just standing there looking around as her mother shakes the child's hips from side to side. Another wee lass is carried on stage all the while hiding her face in what can only be thought of as a preemptive strike against future embarrassing moments when mom brings out the old scrapbook. It's a trainwreck but Ava twirls in to save the day.
For once on a reality talent show, the camera guy keeps a tight shot on the performer's face because you can just tell that Ava is looking at dad for some guidance and cues. Yes, David is on the stage armed with a red, white and blue feather duster. Not a pretty sight, let me tell you. Finishing her act off with an assisted backflip, Ava and dad are pleased with her performance. As he puts it, it's about Ava attracting attention to herself rather than concentrating on the actual talent. I wonder if Mozart's dad felt this way?
Rebecca is featured next with a little dance routine. Now when I say dance, I actually mean a lot of skipping around the stage and what seems to be a popular trend at these shindigs, wagging her finger in the air. She too opted to end her routine with a bit of gymnastics and by the look of that cartwheel I'm not thinking we will be seeing her at the 2016 Olympics. Mom is beaming and remarks on how sparkly Rebecca was and how great her coloring looked under the lights. I guess the medium glow was a good choice after all.
Meaghan is called up to perform but she's nowhere to be found. So they proceed with the mom portion of the night. Stacey is up and she's nervous. Her BPF (Best Pageant Friend) made her a custom sequined spandex one piece jumpsuit complete with covered bare midriff! It's a sight only second to David's feather duster dance but Stacey says that she feels super skinny and confident in it. How? I have no idea but you go girl! She takes to the stage with her baton and tries her hand at some twirling. It's a bigger trainwreck than the shy toddlers but she is happy with it and didn't drop the baton once.
Meaghan finally arrives and even though she's running 30 minutes late and has to get ready fast, she rocks it. She does a little hip hop routine and nails it. Sure, she shouldn't go auditioning for SYTYCD quite yet but she had soul, damn it! Let's hope that she doesn't get penalized for mom's lack of consulting Mapquest since they took a wrong turn somewhere and got lost.
Day 2 and it's all about beauty. The toddlers seem to be redeeming themselves after the shambolic talent round even though I nearly spit out my drink when I heard that one toddler's favorite hobbies include shopping and hanging on the telephone. Who the hell is she calling?? Ava comes out in her little custom made beauty frock. This time accompanied by Tanya, Ava decides to break up the intensity of the situation and run a few laps around the stage until she trips and falls flat on her face. I have to give it to her she didn't shed a tear. David is proud of her and let's us know that her falling is a bit of a trademark she's developed but as long as she gets up that's all that matters. And in case you were wondering, Ava's hobbies include dancing and twirling, her ambition is to be Miss USA and her favorite food is chicken nuggets.
Rebecca is next. Her ambition in life is to be a rockstar like
Hannah Montana but judging by her pageant walk you would never know it. She's super stiff and has that lollipop look about her thanks to the bouffant hair and stiff dress. Her mom is over the moon and proclaims that there must have been stardust in the air because magic was created. Are you starting to get the impression that those people who called her obsessed are on to something??
Meaghan makes her way to the stage and looks more like a 30 year old woman from the neck up than her 9 year old body would let on. It's actually quite creepy but still nowhere in the league of David or Stacey's twirling outfit. We do find out that Meaghan enjoys cooking shows and her favorite food is crab legs with a side of shrimp. I'm still rooting for her.
The moms proceed and it's all a bit lack luster. Tanya is sporting giant hair that almost gives Amy Winehouse a run for her money. Stacey comes out in a baby pink Disney-type princess gown that just looks ridiculous while Phyllis works the catwalk in a little black body hugging cutout dress. The only weirdness in any of the moms' hobbies was with the awkward Stacey. Who the hell answers the question, "What is your favorite television show?" with "a little bit of news." Was she trying to be witty?? I just don't get it.
For the final round of judging we have a special event, the swimsuit competition. Annette informs us right away that she prefers the old school one piece especially for the toddlers. Well, thank god for that! But still it's freaking disturbing to see little girls sashaying provocatively with one hand on their hip as they flip their hair back. I know these parents harp on about how these pageants are teaching them confidence but isn't it teaching them about sex appeal too. Case in point, David's custom bathing suit for Ava. Now we all know that he is a tad on the eccentric side but who in their right mind puts their 2 year old child in an S+M drag queen inspired bathing suit complete with fake leather collar, see through black cape, leopard print one piece completed with a gold ankle cuff!!!! Someone please call Social Services for this fashion emergency!
The competition is over and the award ceremony is next. The top title is Ultimate Grand Supreme which receives not only a tiara, sash and gigantic trophy but also $5,000 in cold hard cash. There are also 3 $1000 Mini Grand awards and a bunch of $100 Queen prizes.
Our girls do okay. Ava takes 1st Runner Up in the toddler division which means she's out of the running for the Grand Supreme and Mini titles. David isn't taking the news well and despite Ava receiving a towering trophy he's not sure how he will break the news to her that she only got second place. Somehow, I don't think Ava will really care or even notice that she was only second best but who knows years from now this loss could translate to years on the old therapy couch. Rebecca cleans up with the titles Most Beautiful, Talent, Congeniality and Swimsuit but loses out on be named Queen which is a good thing because that means the Ultimate prizes are still in her reach which is what she wants the most. It's all about the Benjamins for our little Rebecca, don't you know. Meaghan also sweeps up with Most Beautiful, Photogenic and Congeniality which means that like Rebecca she moves on to the next level. The moms aren't quite as successful. Tanya gets Most Photogenic while Stacey gets a goodie bag as a consolation prize. Phyllis is named 1st Runner Up and while that takes her out of the Ultimate round, she and Meaghan are over the moon.
The final awards are doled out and Rebecca gets her wish. She takes home one of the $1000 Ultimate Mini titles and is all to happy to fan herself with the cash. Meaghan wins the Ultimate Royalty Title along with the $5000. I knew this girl would get the gold. She's more overjoyed that now that her job is done and she won, she gets to go to
Inner Space Cavern and a snake farm. David still can't understand how his girls didn't make the finals and I'm sure he would be none too pleased to hear Annette's critique of Ava's performance because she dissed her for having too much energy.
All in all, Toddler & Tiaras was not as cringe worthy as I had hoped for but this was only the first episode of the season so who knows what next week will bring.
I'm more than positive you have all seen the ads for the amazing Snuggie. How can you miss them? I remember the first time I saw it. I was just so pissed at myself for not coming up with the idea to rebrand the bathrobe as the all purpose, cold blocking money saving Snuggie.
an earthquake or fire or even an alien takeover and you run outside in your Snuggie where I am sure someone will guffaw louder than Nelson from The Simpsons at your wardrobe. But then again if you are vertically challenged you might actually kill yourself if you tried to run in this as the length looks to be only fitting to Andre the Giant or a giraffe despite its claims of one size fits all.
making. But wait it appears Snuggie already has an evil clone in the form of the Toasty Wrap. Same commercial just a new name with a new voiceover and even an endorsement from Montel Williams! Just admit it, if Montel is peddling it, it has to be good, right? Oh the Snuggie people are really true advertising geniuses. And if you think that this is just the first such revolutionary blanket, you are sadly mistaken. Other variations that seem to precede the Snuggie include the cleverly named Slanket and the Freedom Blanket. I like the cross marketing of patriotism and comfort on that one!
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